Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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