Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
