Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
