dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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