mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
