good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
