she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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