and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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