Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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