I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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