I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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