the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
