If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
bring money and cleavage
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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