Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
