never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
