I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
