My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
