Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
two words...techno handjob
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
