i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
