im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I can't turn off my feet"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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