WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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