I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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