If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
