a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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