I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Randomize
