Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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