My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
