I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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