Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
