Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
This is my gift to your gina
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
