Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
