when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
