If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
