Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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