we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Boobs are out for the taking
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
