I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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