I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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