i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
