Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
