so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize