dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i wish my penis had a tongue
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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