He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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