grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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