If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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