this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
COCAINE IS GR8
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