my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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