my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
