You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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