how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
