awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
