I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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