No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
