Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
