I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
