when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
