The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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