allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
