made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
