U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
