I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
