I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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