sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
