I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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