I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
