So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
