My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
