dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
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