Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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