Duck Duck Cougar?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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